Start Christmas On Labor Day to get the country moving again

Labor Day, 2016, American Pie, Rhode Island

Rev. Roger Williams today decried using Labor Day as the beginning of the Christmas season. As the chairman of the “Put Christ Back in Christmas" movement, he has been adamant that Christmas no longer be used as an economic stimulus.

“I believe this all started in 2012 when retailers put up Christmas decorations two weeks before Thanksgiving Day," he said. “Bernanke couldn’t get the economy moving quickly enough even after using Fed employees to give out $20 dollar bills on street corners. He then suggested the so called ‘magic of Christmas’ could fix America's problems.” Democrats wanted rich people to only take ten dollars a day, but the Republicans said that “truth, justice and the American Way” demanded everyone get the same cash.

In 2013 the Christmas shopping season began in October when Christmas music began appearing on the radio, after Bernanke’s plan to flood the country with newly printed Benjamins failed to drop unemployment to six percent.

The next year was marked by the collision of a Walmart and Amazon drone attempting to deliver Christmas packages to the same home in early October.

Rev. Williams has a big sign on his church that says, “Wo ting Ye Su de” which translates in Chinese as “I listen to Jesus,” in the hopes that the Chinese company that owns the mortgage on his church will understand his position. He is awaiting foreclosure on the building.